I rode my bike to paradise
and sat alone.
I thought about the good time,
that’s when I got the call.
I picked up the phone,
that’s when my world began to fall.

I really hate explaining myself

I wrote a song about you darling.
I won’t have the courage to ever tell you.
but maybe one day you’ll find it some where
floating in the world
and maybe you’ll think of me.

I didn’t know I could ever feel like this until you came along
so no matter when you decide I bore you, I won’t forget you
and I’ll forever be thankful for giving me your hand
and helping me out of that dark place.

thank you sweetheart.

//one more time with feeling

For my senior research paper, I chose to write about a topic very near to me. It’s a sensitive topic because I’ve been dealing with it for long time now: Eating disorders.

Through recent years I have suffered horrible self-cofidence and low self-worth. I began to binge after I got into highschool and soon after I devloped a mild case of anorexia. I’ve come to terms that I have a ‘reality disorder’ (<I prefer to call it this where as if I were to say ‘I have an eating disorder’, chaos would break forth and ruin any progress I have so far). I know, logically, that I’m not ‘fat’ or ‘ugly’ but no matter how many times I look in the mirror… no matter what angle I’m staring from, all I see are my flaws.

Thankfully I’ve run into the right people I guess you could say. I have an amazing boyfriend who supoorts me and cares for me no matter how caught up I get. And two beautiful best friends; Katie and Marissa. They have pulled me out of the dark too many times to count now. I also have my most precious dog Lexie, who keeps me crazy. And lastly a messed up family I would be lost without.

I love my friends and family with all my heart, but all of them come after God. He has always done the most perfect things and the most perfect times and although i’m not perfect, and it’s not a perfect world, I know I’ll be okay.

Well… I thought that because I am doing so well with my issues that it might actually be good for me to do even more research and write my paper about disorders.

Nope. Not at all. After thinking for a long while, I’ve come to this conclusion: I will either break completely and have to start all over, or I will somehow make it through without cracking and be even stronger!

I’ve decided that it can not, and WILL not be the first one. So I have to be more on my game than ever before.

But. The thing is. I have never formally told anyone that I have an eating disorder. … Scratch that. I’ve told one person, and only because I was at a new low in my life. The girl I told isn’t even a really close friend, but I knew she could keep a secret and I also knew she had the same kind of problems in the past. Yeah. This one, single girl knows. And to be quite honest I’m not even comfortable going back to her and asking for more help… Not that shes not hoplessly amazing it’s only, now that she knows, I’m frightened.

I don’t know. I’m silly.

Back to the point though! A lot of my tumblr pals from my orginal blog know, but none of my real life friends do.

I just don’t want them to. I really just don’t.

So I’m struggling and barely eating anything but I’m muddling through and moving on with life.

If anyone has advice.. I’d appreciate it.

Also. If you’re a real life friend reading this… I love you I just don’t want to get into this with you guys. I don’t really mind if you read this just as long as it stays on here.

I dream about a place far away from here. I dream about crashing waves and a salty mist spray. I want to run away, be free. I don’t want to remember the hurt and pain I caused here. I want to forget all the shitty things I’ve done. All I want yo do is sit there on that beach. In my own little paradise.

i swear to God that girl is perfect

she makes me want to die.

I’m tired of being the girl that’s there

I would change, but I’m too scared.

Maybe one day… But I can’t decide.

I will be myself before I die.

—

Promises have escaped my lips.

But I’m growing bored of generalized tips.

Keeping strong to what I’ve said

Is proving harder now that you’re dead.

—

I’m so sick

I know I am.

I’m so lonely

I must be damned.

—

Living in a world of lies

My cynical self is learing to thrive.

If you’ve done the things I’ve heard

I hope and pray you get what you deserve.

—

But back to me,

As I so often say.

My morals aren’t off centered

only a little frayed.

—

And furthermore I’m confused.

Weren’t you the one who spoke of abuse?

—

I must have shut my eyes.

I must have blocked my ears.

How did you get by

when I’m so aware of these fears

—

Truly, you are one of a kind.

Priceless really.

I hope you know what that means

If only in my mind.

—

I’ve even carved it out

Deep within my skin.

I watched the blood drip

and I let promises escape my lips.

I finally get it!

I’ve figured you out! Everything you do is to get positive. All you want is people to love you. I mean, everyone wants that, but you want it even more! You might even need it. You post all those pictures and crack all those jokes because you desperately crave people’s opinions. You’re beautiful, nice, polite, and genuine, but no one ever picked you first, huh? At first you were always over-looked. You grew up in a harder home that most and you were not the daughter they wanted.

But, look at you now! You are gorgeous and brave, smart and artistic! You’re right, I don’t know you like some people do, but I’m not blind. You have made big mistakes that you are constantly at war with yourself. You don’t believe you pretty or skinny and that you need to be those things in order to find someone who can love you. Although you’re always preaching about loving yourself, you’re still struggling with that.

It’s okay to feel afraid. It’s okay to be lonely sometimes. I know how it feels to be left out or not good enough. I get it. But darling, you don’t need to feel that way anymore. You have friends who love and care for you no matter what and damn you have this amazing talent others would kill for. No, you are not the typical pretty girl. You are so much more than her.

You are beautiful. You are good enough. Please, for the love of God, do not ever think otherwise. If you ever need to talk, I am more than willing to listen. Please… Believe in yourself and aspire to the great things YOU CAN accomplish.

with love, Ciara